We often only see the happy moments in non monogamy on social media. The happy dancing faces, the erotic behaviors, the hugging and kissing of multiple partners, the couples and singles posing with a smile. Even I am guilty of not being as transparent at times when I should have been on social media. I think that has a lot to do with our fear of vulnerability and our fear that if non monogamy is seen in a bad light we lose everything we’ve worked hard for when it comes to gaining visibility and social awareness. Sometimes we forget that non monogamy is messy, it’s hard, it’s scary and it’s real. We’re real humans with real relationships that have highs and lows. This isn’t just with our partner but it’s with our friends and our community.
I’m feeling called to write this right now because I’m seeing some shifts in my grief process for the first time since leaving my community. If you don’t know in 2021 I became a host on a platform, it was meant to be a community where other swingers could connect and find each other, ask questions, and have an enjoyable safe place to vent or share joy. When I began my journey with this community I just wanted to be apart of something beautiful, a collaboration, a journey, I wanted to find support and find acceptance within a community. I felt like acceptance was people liking my pictures, or sending me thumbs up emojis when I would post them. I thought acceptance was going to swinger parties and being in VIP sections. I thought acceptance was being asked to collaborate whether for adult content or TikTok content. Because that meant they thought I was beautiful so that must mean I am beautiful. I wanted people to hear me, I wanted my voice to be heard. Which probably stemmed from a childhood trauma of never feeling heard or seen. As the years went by and I grew and changed, the community stayed relatively the same. People idolized and worshiped the leaders of the community, and people lost connection in a way that was real. It became all about the most likes and comments. It became about onlyfans percentages , humans who were vibrant and beautiful and charming were reduced to a mere follower count. At first I think the idea was beautiful, almost magical. Then I started seeing changes, and being left out of conversations I was once apart of. It got so bad that I felt like I couldn’t even post out of fear I would get into a texting war with one of the leaders who weren’t impressed with my political views, or my push to support queer people, or to work together to become more diverse. I sent them countless pleas of trying to make things better, but it felt like for me if the idea didn’t come from a white cis male leader it just wasn’t worth anything. And maybe all my ideas aren’t worth something, maybe every idea isn’t as revolutionary as it seems in my head, but I knew this idea of inclusivity, healing racism and healing ourselves were really important and almost necessary for the swinger community to evolve and grow. I knew that our community was revolutionary, but it also wasn’t my buisness it was someone else’s that they needed to protect.
So let’s talk about the grieving process, at first I was angry. When I first left the community and decided to part ways I was so angry I saw red, I didn’t even read the departure emails I just looked at them blankly with an anger and let them be. Then I got even angrier when friends who used to reach out stopped reaching out, I got even angrier when I saw my ideas put into action, I got even angrier when community members whom I once loved so deeply would come to me and tell me how they had been victimized by the community in a similar way. Then my anger turned to sadness, I would stay awake for hours at night lying in bed crying, wondering what I could have done. Wishing I could have been better, wishing they could have been better. Hoping for a day there would be resolve. I knew deep down there would probably never be a resolve, and other would ride that train for as long as they could, while I was alone and heartbroken. I couldn’t talk about it on social media and vent, because I didn’t want to make anyone look bad or wrong, or start a war of us vs them. I knew they weren’t actually bad people, I think it all happened so fast and they kept having to put out fires, especially with me, I was one of the big fires they had to deal with. At one point I considered myself a burden to them, which I know isn’t true, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.
I think because we’re swingers we forget about the emotional aspect of loving our friends. These were people that saw once a month for 2/3 years, these were people I spent countless hours with, these were people who planned my engagement, my wedding. These were people who celebrated my most cherished moments with me. These were people who I experienced love and romance with. Not romance like roses and red wine and passionate sex and forehead kisses and I love yous like I do with my husband, romance like calling them when I was so happy I had gotten a part in a play, romance like long deep conversations about sobriety, and pleasure. Romance like getting me ready on my wedding day, or calling me when they had a video go mega viral and sharing in that joy together. That’s love, but not the kind of love you have with a partner, that’s love like the love you have for a friend whom you care deeply for. Just like the love of a partner it can get a bit messy. Feelings can easily be hurt because of that deep love. There were many moments when I wasn’t my best, I admit that I can be toxic at times. I admit I can be quick to say things I don’t mean, or quick to judge someone else out of insecurity and envy. As time went on I couldn’t continue to feel like I was loving someone more than they were loving me back. It got to the point that I was reduced to having to make appointments, I was reduced to calling an assistant over someone I considered a friend. As much as I hate to admit it I was deeply impacted by the loss of those relationships. It might be something that stays with me for a long time, but today I feel a little better about it because I know deep down it wasn’t their fault, it was the fault of capitalism, societal conditioning and their own ego which they themselves did not create, those were created out of fear and insecurity.
The main reasons I left the community and gave it up to begin with were because I was told ‘I couldn’t get political’ even though I had stepped into an advocacy role. That was the fault of our political system being so polarizing. I left because I felt like we were selling this fantasy of “come to our parties and maybe we will fuck you” based on the constant social media captions in the community ‘would you smash us?, would you fuck us? etc.’ which I knew were all for engagement which was not the fault of them but capitalism. I left because I didn’t feel supported or valued as an equal, even though I supported and valued them as equals. I was looked at as a community member, not someone with a real true voice. That was my own insecurity. I left because when I asked time and time again to practice an informed dialogue with me about how to create a more diverse community I was told ‘we are diverse, we have one trans person and 2 black people’ that was the fault of white supremacy culture and the patriarchy. It was white male leaders telling me we didn’t need to have these conversations, because you see everything was fine for them, they saw our community as diverse not recognizing that others didn’t see it that way.
In order to heal we must face our shadows ,I can sit here and place blame on the people in charge, the corrupt systems of power or our social climate but the truth is I left because I didn’t need them anymore to feel whole. I needed to feel accepted as many of us do, I needed to feel like I was doing something in order to feel special and loved. I needed to get more followers, get more thumbs ups on my posts and more people to hear my voice on my podcast. When I realized none of those things mattered because I was enough without all of those things I saw the community in a different light.
As I sit here with a tear in my eye, I recognize my value, and I’m still learning snd growing by the day. But I see who I am as a person thriving without any of them. As much as it hurts to know that people don’t reach out, or that I may not have meant to everyone as much as they meant to me I’m glad to know that while I was there I loved them with all my heart. Just like when you love your partner with all your heart but you have to let them go. Remind yourself of the good times, don’t dwell on the bad times. I wish to this day they would have protected me from these systems, I wish they had carried out the vision we once had without being blindsided by numbers and likes and percentages. It was a good lesson to me that at the end of the day I am the only one who can protect and love me in the way I deserve. So even though I stood up for what was right for me, and even though I’m standing alone, I’m standing in love.
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