In 2022 I started getting heavily involved with NCSF(The National Coalition For Sexual Freedom) in September 2022 they held a Consent Counts webinar in the Swinger Society Discord. I remember the educator, Susan Wright, telling us in this webinar that ambassadors and those of influence in the Swinger lifestyle had to be more mindful of consent because of power dynamics and when you hold as position of power consent lines can get blurred. When she said this my literal jaw dropped, she was absolutely right, I had thought back to some swinging experiences and how because of my social media presence couples had almost in a sense idealized my partner and I because of our TikTok's and social media causing a power imbalance. I had never considered that as an ambassador of the swinger lifestyle that I held a position of power at any and every event I go to. The more I learn about true consent the more I realize how privilege and social power play a huge role. Let's dive a little deeper and get a clearer understanding for consent and power dynamics.
Power dynamics play a significant role in the context of consent. When one party holds power over another, whether it's in a professional, social, or personal relationship, the dynamic can impact the ability of the less powerful party to freely give or withhold consent. So how does that relate to the swinger lifestyle? Think of event owners, social media influencers, staff, podcasters, DJ's, entertainers etc. Each of those roles hold a power of social hierarchy within the Swinger lifestyle, creating a power imbalance. Power imbalances can create an environment where the less powerful individual may feel pressured, coerced, or intimidated into giving consent, even when they may not truly want to engage in the activity. Addressing power dynamics in the context of consent involves creating environments where all parties feel empowered to assert their boundaries without facing negative consequences. In a swinger setting one party could feel if they practice consent boundaries with an influencer or event owner that it could have social reprocussions leading them to feel pressured into play. Recognizing and challenging power imbalances is crucial in fostering a culture of consent that prioritizes autonomy and agency for all individuals involved.
We have to recognize that event owners, and others in positions of power in the swinger lifestyle should be much more conscious about who they decide to engage in play with, if at all, at events they are hosting.
How does power impact consent?
The first thing we need to ask ourselves here is what is power? Power is the ability to influence the actions and choices of others.
Power can be obvious, like in the case of a supervisor or mentor, or it can be less apparent like when there’s a difference in sexual experience. An example of an inanlance in power dynamics in the swinger lifestyle would be an age difference or sexual experience difference. An older or more sexually experienced adult may make a younger or less experienced adult feel they need to “prove” that they are mature or experienced. This translates in the swinger lifestyle to 'newbie' couples and experienced couples who have been in the lifestyle for a number of years.
Another power imbalance in the lifestyle would be position in society. Someone may have more social privilege than their partner(s)— through their education, job, wealth, citizenship, or other factors. This quite literally translates to social media influencers and ambassadors of the lifestyle like event hosts.
Another power imbalance is privilege like white privilege, male privilege, couples privilege and social privilege and other unearned advantages are part of the power some of us bring to relationships. It's crucial to check in with yourself and those you may consider engaging in play with. Before asking for consent, consider how holding a position of power might influence the situation.
Ask yourself: “Would this person say yes if I didn’t have power/authority over them?”
If there’s a difference in power between you and your partner or partners, your partner may feel less able to tell you their needs. It's important to let them know they can tell you when they’re not interested in doing something.
Remember to ask questions in a way that communicates you’re okay with their answer — no matter what it is. An example of this would be “I hope you know you can tell me how you’re really feeling – saying ‘no’ is always okay."
Why are power imbalances important to examine within the swinger lifestyle?
They impact consent, both sexual and otherwise. Consider the following. You’re new to the swinger lifestyle and decide to attend a Splash event (this is literally an example please don't take this example too serious) You heard some social media influencers and podcasters would be in attendance at this event and you’ve kind of idolized some of these influencers since you became involved in the swinger lifestyle. You even aspire to have your own podcast some day or be some kind of influencer yourself. You might even have a little bit of a crush on some of them — as they are fit, well groomed, and overall you could see yourself engaging in play with them. One night, you’re swiping absentmindedly through the Splash website where you can match with couples and one of the influencers you have had a crush on for a long time matches with you. You probably laugh it off, probably start to move on. And then they message you. What do you do? You want to be an influencer yourself someday and since you're new to the lifestyle you would like to have a new social circle and their social circle would be the social circle to be in at events . The couple asks if you'd like to start a text conversation, as time goes on the conversation gets steamier and steamier. Now you're even sending nudes back and forth. This couple expresses their interest in playing with you at the event. Sure, you were into it in theory, but now it’s time to convert theory to practice. You consider saying no, because you know how you are and you have to develop connections with people before engaging in play. You are afraid saying no could somehow impact your social status within the lifestyle and without knowing very much about the dynamics swinger social circles. You also think about how saying no could impact your chances of having a platform in the future, or how saying yes could positivly impact your future platform. You think about how saying yes might give you a better chance of collaboration with them and their social circle. Either way, even if you probably didn’t want to say no, you’re suddenly aware that you couldn’t say no.
Does this mean consent is impossible where power imbalances are present?
No. That's not what this means but to be perfectly honest, I can’t quantify where the power imbalance becomes too overwhelming to consider the consent genuine; all I can do is acknowledge that power imbalances exist very much within the swinger lifestyles and as ambassadors, influencers and hosts of the swinger lifestyle it is our duty to make sure we don't cross any lines and that we make clear informed decisions when it comes to consenting. Some people believe that only the vulnerable party knows whether their consent is valid or not, and that to suggest otherwise is to infantilize the vulnerable party. Personally I think informed consent should come from all individuals. The vulnerable party may think it is a simple decision, or even a very grave one, one that they made with much conscious consideration, but they will be unable to accurately note the many social forces acting on them that led them to make the decision they made. This is not a statement against the intelligence or maturity of the vulnerable party; it is a statement on human nature. It's important to note that if you have some sort of influence within social circles like admining swinger chat rooms, messsge boards, or social media groups you are also grouped into the category of an ambassador of the lifestyle.
When we choose to become public and build a social media platform or become event hosts, club owners, entertainers in swinger spaces etc we choose a power inbalance meaning it is our jobs to recognize there are power inbalances. It's important to communicate to the individuals we may seek out for play that we are aware of the power inbalance. It's important for all parties involved to examine our intentions and desired outcomes.
What's the bottom line when it comes to swingers with influence in the swinger lifestyle and power dynamics?
In short, I don’t have all the answers for how to know when to draw a line with power dynamics and swinging. I can look to organizations like NCSF to help guide me when it comes to consent. I know if I'm ever second guessing myself they are just a quick email away to help me see my power dynamic from a different perspective. Most of the power dynamics within the swinger lifestyle are gray areas so that's what makes these types of conversations so crucial. It's important we be mindful and sensitive to the power and privilege we hold, and the impact we have on those around us. The astrophysicist Katie Mack wrote ‘If you are a person in a position of power over other people (and yes, being an influencer or event host constitutes power) and you are not actively examining and questioning your use of power EVERY DAY, you are abusing it and you may be causing massive harm.’ People with influence have extra responsibility to examine their use of power. The bottom line is self reflecting on power dynamics and how they can affect the community. We can look to NCSF to provide us with a list of best practices when it comes to consent, but we still need to look within ourselves for the answers. Is this ethical? Is this community member a fan of mine and do they 'idolize' me as an influencer? Is this person also someone in a position of power like myself? Is this person only playing with me in hopes to get on my podcast, collaborate professionally with me or even just to gain influence within their own swinger circles by saying they played with me? Is this person newer to the lifestyle putting them in a vulnerable position? My personal opinion about consent and power dynamics would be if you're an event host it's better to not engage with play at all at the events you're hosting unless it's private and with already well established play partners. This can help mitigate issues when it comes to consent and power dynamics. As for those in the swinger lifestyle with social influence you have a lot to consider before engaging in play with other individuals and you should not take your role lightly. When choosing to become an ambassador of the lifestyle this was one of the situations that should have been heavily considered. If you have questions about consent or anything relating to consent please consider contacting NCSF(https://ncsfreedom.org/key-programs-2/consent-counts/). If you believe you have been a victim of consent violations or are unsure if you are being manipulated or coerced into play with someone with a power imbalance you can always report incidents to NCSF, they can provide resources and advice on how to move foreword with the consent violation/incident. The most important thing to remember is that consent is an ethical principal, look for red flags when it comes to event hosts and other members of the community with influence. Like the NCSF website states:
Pay attention to potential Red Flags when interacting with someone who is in a position of power, such as a mentor, educator or organizer. It’s easy to believe that those in power know better about what’s right for you than you do, simply because they have more experience or expertise. If someone in a position of power is pushy with you, then that may be a Red Flag.
Balancing some of the power inbalances that comes with swinging requires you to recognize how power dynsmics may be playing out in your swinging/play encounters and how you can correct some of this, and openly, honestly, and continually discuss consent, boundaries, desires, and motivations with your sexual partner(s). Balancing power differentials is crucial, especially now with so many people in the lifestyle continuing to grow in influence(#swingtok has nearly 3 billion views). We must self reflect and examine our own morals and ethics as well as protect our community from harm.
Kiley
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