It’s 2022, The Swinger Society is having our first hotel takeover in Atlanta,GA. I’m so excited to meet so many people I’ve chatted with online for the first time, and I’m incredibly overwhelmed with love and joy because I get to spend time with my awesome friends, like Life of Spice and Lacey from The Swing Nation. The weekend was full of so many highlights, like our ‘balloon knot’ live, my engagement to my now husband and of course a congratulatory toast off of Iron Man’s foot. So many surprises happened that weekend, but one of the biggest shocks for me was getting to see how fetishizing men of color can be incredibly harmful in the community. I got to see first hand how it works and I got to leave Georgia with a bad taste in my mouth because of it.
It was a night at club Trapeze with my friends, of course at this point in my journey I was in my drunk girl era, but overall it was a fun and salacious night. I saw Dan drink milk from a lactacting woman’s breast, I lost my panties after the orgy and oh yeah my “friend” fetishsized a black man and then made fun of his “mediocre dick down” with everyone afterwards. I won’t go into detail as to what was said, but let’s just say she had very high expectations of him to perform and according to her the “dick was subpar”. This left me wondering if he had been white if it would have been a different narrative.
What does “buck”, “Mandingo” or “Mocha” refer to?
"Buck" is a derogatory term historically used in the United States to dehumanize and stereotype Black men, particularly implying aggressiveness and hypersexuality. It has origins in slavery and continues to be offensive today. "Mandingo" is a term with historical and racist connotations that originated from the Mandinka people of West Africa. In a racist context, it was used during slavery and the antebellum period in the United States to stereotype Black men as being exceptionally strong and sexually aggressive. The term was popularized by the book and subsequent film "Mandingo" in the 1970s, which depicted such stereotypes in a sensationalized and offensive manner.
Using "Mandingo" in this way is racist because it reduces individuals to harmful and exaggerated stereotypes, which dehumanizes them and perpetuates harmful myths and prejudices about Black people. It ignores the diversity and humanity of individuals, instead framing them within a narrow, degrading, and racist view. When you use the term ‘mocha’ it’s harmful because it reduces an individual to a simplistic and objectifying characteristic, which is their skin color. This dehumanizes the person and ignores their full identity and humanity. It also exoticizes and fetishizes non-white individuals based on their racial or ethnic characteristics. This kind of language often implies an undue focus on racial traits, which can be demeaning and objectifying.
When we talk about words like Buck, Mandingo or the new term “mocha” this type of language has roots in historical racial discrimination, where non-white individuals were often objectified and dehumanized. Even if not intended, using such terms can evoke those negative historical contexts.
Using terms like this reinforces racial stereotypes, suggesting that certain races or ethnicities possess certain inherent physical or sexual traits, which is not appropriate or respectful.
More reasons why continuing to support these types of events and engage in this type of race play is harmful.
There are consequences to engaging in this kind of race play. Continuing to actively engage in this type of fetishization has cultural impacts on others. It shows a fundamental lack of respect for Black men, viewing them through a lens of exotification and stereotypes rather than recognizing their full humanity.
Race play like this disregards the historical and cultural contexts of racism, trivializing the very real and very painful experiences associated with being fetishized. On top of that it creates unhealthy dynamics and power imbalances within the community, undermining the principles of equality and respect that should be foundational in any sex positive community.
Often within lifestyle spaces it’s assumed that black men are going to play the role of a “buck” or be your “BBC fantasy”. This role you’ve preaasigned for them makes them out to be a very aggressive lover which is not always the case. Many white women assume they will be ravished by the “buck” and when they aren’t they are let down, like my ‘friend’ in Atlanta. She reduced that man to a racist stereotype and when he could not fulfill her fantasy in the way she wanted she reduced him to “mediocre dick”. Now do we see the harm?
For the love of God ladies, please stop calling yourselves ‘Queen of Spades’
Have you ever heard the term “black as the ace of spades?”, we can all agree this is a harmful saying rooted in racism right? If you didn’t know the historical context of that saying I’m here to tell you it is. Using the term Queen of Spades, wearing “QOS” tshirts or having a spade tattooed on you is not cool or cheeky, it’s harmful. The term Queen of Spades is used to signify that a non-Black woman has a preference for sexual encounters with Black men. This reinforces harmful racial stereotypes, objectifying Black men and reducing them to racialized sexual objects rather than recognizing them as whole individuals with their own desires and boundaries. Historically, Black men have been fetishized and hypersexualized, which has been a tool of both fetishism and oppression. The use of "Queen of Spades" perpetuates these deeply ingrained historical injustices.
Renaming it to a ‘Mocha Party’ doesn’t change the fact that you’re still engaging in race play. And a black persons presence at these types of events does not absolve the event from being racist.
That’s like saying “I have a black friend so I’m not racist” or “I have kids by a black man so I’m not racist”. As someone who is a privileged white person raised and socialized in a white community I used to say things like this too.
“I don’t see color” used to be one of my favorite phrases before I sat with myself and started unpacking biases which were deeply engrained in me as a white person. Lifestylers I am begging you to please unpack these behaviors so we can start healing as a community. I am begging you to work as a community and start listening to black non monogamists when they tell you this behavior is problematic and continuing to promote and attend events that promote race play is harmful and racist.
Just because it’s “what you’ve always done” or because “the men are ok with it” does not make it ok nor does it mean it should continue.
Again, this is coming from a white persons perspective. I realize how privileged I am to even be able to have a platform to speak out against this type of behavior. You have to understand how triggering these conversations for black men and women must be. They don’t owe us that emotional labor, and the ones who do provide that labor it’s important to validate those experiences and don’t sweep them under the rug. We need to start having these conversations, we need to be uncomfortable, we need to heal from within and we need to start speaking out against this behavior. Continuing on with these choices effects the future of our community and the future of many event owners buisnesses. The choices you make effect more than just the ‘right now’.
I hope someday ‘my friend’ can see the error in her ways and how she handled the situation at the club that night. If it happened today I would have never responded in the way that I did, and that was, I kept quiet even though deep down I knew it wasn’t ok. Something inside of me felt a deep understanding that this behavior makes me feel uncomfortable. 2 years later I can tell you it’s because morally and ethically it is wrong. I also want to note that this is NOT a political discussion nor should it be politicized. I never once mentioned any political parties so you shouldn’t either.
If you feel called to do more work when it comes to fetishization in the swinger community as a white person and work towards healing please feel free to reach out and I can provide more support.
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